It’s time to stop asking “How are you?” by Meghan Nelligan
It’s become a greeting, an automated response to seeing someone, or a way to express care without actually caring: the infamous “How are you?” Not many people put much thought into asking this question. Yet, in a COVID-19 era, this phrase is heavy. People are dying daily; others have lost their jobs and are struggling with mental illnesses. Being a human is hard right now. Even if you are healthy and employed, you have still been affected to some degree by this pandemic. Asking “how are you” in these times is ignoring the reality of our world and people’s well-being. No one is doing good, even if they are okay.
Pandemic aside, let’s dissect this phrase. I am guilty of asking it, often as a substitute to “hello.” But when we ask someone how they are doing, do we actually expect them to tell us? No. This phrase is surface-level, distant. We wait for someone to reply, “I’m good, how are you?” to say, “Good, thanks for asking!” If we are genuinely looking to check in on a colleague, friend, or family member, we need to ask better questions. We need to show the people we care for that we care about them. Asking “how are you” is not how to show you care, but instead, a way to dismiss feelings and make someone shut down.
So, what do we say instead? The thing about being there for someone is that you just have to show up. Ask them about their job interview, how their sister is doing, or share a song you think they’d enjoy. Maybe you have a friend who has just lost someone they love. Sending a simple message stating, “I love you” or “thinking of you” goes a long way. If you want to initiate a more honest conversation, try: “What’s been on your mind?” “How are you coping?” or even “Tell me about your day.” Being asked, “How are you?” almost ensures that someone will put up a guard and answer with “okay” or “fine.” And maybe they are doing well, but by asking something other than “How are you,” you allow them the option to share if they weren’t.
Artwork by Paria Peyravi
Multi-Hue Magazine 